What is your idea of a happy sex life? The answer to this simple question might be far from what you envisaged.
Recently, some sex experts were asked for their top tips on how to keep the spark alive. Not one of them recommended expensive sex toys, breast implants or doing it five times a night. Instead, they talked about having fun working at your relationship and being comfortable with who you are.
“People who have truly satisfactory sex lives appreciate that everyone is different”, says a psychologist, Dr. Petra Boynton. Not all of us want to be swinging from the rafters. If you are already heaving a sigh of relief, there are more revelations.
Carole Rice, a relationship coach, advises you: “Try to think of your partner as independent from you – you’re not joined at the hip. Imagine them at work, playing sport or doing something well without you. See them as the vital and interesting individuals they are when they’re not with you. This is far sexier than the claustrophobic familiarity that can kill attraction when all you see is the socks left on the floor and your partner slumped on the sofa. To add more spice, try going to a restaurant or a bar separately and play-acting chatting each other up. You’ll relearn to find each other attractive and desirable this way”.
“Get along inside and outside the bedroom”, says Sue Jonnson, a sex educator. ‘If your relationship is full of hostility, you won’t have a good love life. Your anger is a barrier to enjoying sex. You have to resolve conflict – don’t bottle things up. Ask him: ‘Can we talk about it?’ Solve the problem, then you’ll be able to enjoy each other. IN other words, why make an enemy of a partner that’s supposed to be your greatest ally? Learn to read secret signals. Everyone has their favourite things in the bedroom, whether it’s having their ears nibbled or their feet tickled. But they’re almost always too embarrassed to tell. So, how do you discover your partner’s ears” Pay attention to your man’s moves and you’ll get a great idea of what he wants you to do to him. If both of you don’t feel energetic about health, cuddle up and just bask in the warmth of each other.
“Don’t worry, be happy. These days, sex is just another lifestyle product and another way for people to make money by selling us things we don’t want or need. But you don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations. A good sex life is one that makes you feel happy and comfortable, whether you’re doing it ten times a week or ten times a year. It’s quality not quantity that counts. In the meantime, build on the rapport that already exists between you and learn to laugh at your mistakes inside and outside the bedroom.
Tracey Coz, another sex expert, believes asking questions helps. When you make love, focus on your partner’s pleasure, not your own. The better you are as a lover, the more enjoyment they’ll get from sex, and the more likely they are to crave it. Encourage your partner to open up and tell you what they require. Do they want more foreplay? Are you picking the wrong time for sex?
Suggest that you bathe together or give them a massage first. Ask for feed back during sex and give them time to become aroused. Take things slowly. Strip naked together and take it in turns to run your hands slowly over your partner’s body, loving it for every wrinkle, fold and flaw. As you do so, tell them what makes them sexy. Remember a time when you had great sex and talk about it.
Take five minutes a day to sit opposite your partner and silently hold hands while looking into each other’s eyes and think only of what you love about them”.
“Hit the spot”, is what Philip Hodson, another counsellor advises. “Here’s one for the men – learn to pleasure your partner properly! If you’re able to give a woman orgasm, she’ll be putty in your hands. Make the effort to understand how her body works. Think about subtle approaches and lead up to sex, don’t just steam in. Increase the amount of foreplay. Find out where her pleasure spot is and what she likes done to it. A woman’s body is like an iceberg; nineteenths of it is below the surface. “Be open and honest”. You need to talk about what you like and don’t like, but sex can be a sensitive subject, so give lots of compliments. If you start by telling your partner what you like and what he does well, that’s a good time to admit that you weren’t keen when your sex was too rough, say, or asked you to do things you weren’t comfortable with. Get sex issues out in the open and tackle them before they become a problem. Use your imagination.
The brain is the biggest sexual organ, so excite the imagination. Talk about your fantasies and tell your partner what you’d like to do, even if you’re too tired to do. Imagine yourself as a strong woman you admire when you do this. Try ‘simmering’ during the day – leave him sexy notes or send him saucy text or phone messages so he can’t wait to get home”.
These bits of expert advice are not only to help you have the best sex ever with your partner, they’re also to remind you never to take love-making or our partner for granted. Hang on to a good sex life if you’ve got one, and make sure it’s refreshed from time to time. If your love-life is, however, lack lustre, the tips are pointers to what you should do to make it better.
The greatest lift you can have is a contented love life, so work at it! Make it impossible for your partner to look for thrills outside the confines of your love nest. If they like alfresco sex, why not indulge them! You might even like the thrill of making love out-doors with the likelihood of some peeping Toms drooling over your activities with envy! Lastly, never criticize your partner’s efforts, especially when you suspect that’s the best they could do. And if your man likes talking dirty? Well, encourage him. Some women have confessed to having mind-blowing orgasms when their men talk dirty, so there!
